I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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