The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
