I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
