my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
