just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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