I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize