I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I did not marry a roomba.
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