I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
