Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
