nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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