If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
