my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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