She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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