The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
