Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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