I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
