he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
