I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
