question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
