Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Green mimosas i think yes
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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