I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Come on in and take your pants off
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