Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you didnt know i had herpes?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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