i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
