i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize