just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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