WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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