My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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