Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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