I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
