so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
