If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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