OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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