I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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