I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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