totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
