Please, let me fuck your mom
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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