I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
