just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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