she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
