I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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