you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
