omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
