i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
