If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize