i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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