I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
