Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
