if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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