If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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