I think i peed on brittanys purse
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
