Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
