Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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