just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
