I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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