I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
