so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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