mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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