The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
