There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
