Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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