I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
